harassed

i'm leaving for cebu on the 21st, and scrambling to finish orders so i don't leave any clients hanging. can't believe i have only a week left to do everything! and i haven't even started packing yet! or even making a list of things to bring! waaaaah! forgive me if i haven't been leaving comments as often as i used to. i read your blogs, i visit your sites, and you're all on my mind throughout the day. things are just really crazy here.

hugs to everyone!

normal!!!!

i got the results of my glucose tolerance test today. and i don't have gestational diabetes! wooopeeee! thanks for all your prayers! i want to celebrate by eating ice cream. hahahaha! but i won't. i'll be a good girl and watch my weight. =)

it was a crazy weekend. on friday night we were at our regular bible study gathering. we went home at about 1am, slept at 2, and i woke up at 6 because i couldn't sleep well. so i was really sleepy when i got to the hospital lab. manuel was very kind, he took care of vito, did the grocery-shopping, and they both waited at timezone for me. i had a nice book to read (the evil seed by joanne harris) so i didn't get bored while waiting for the test to finish.

they extracted my blood three times. the first time before they gave the glucose, the 2nd time an hour after, and the third, an hour after the 2nd. the glucose formula they gave tasted a bit like royal tru orange, except that it was extremely sweet. like they put in a cup of sugar into a 150ml container. i kept drinking water to wash the taste away.

surprisingly i didn't feel hungry at all. perhaps it was because of the homemade pandesal i ate before the cutoff time the previous night. =D i did feel woozy afterward, and it lasted until the next day. maybe it was the combination of lack of sleep, food deprivation, and having blood extracted 3 times. i'm just glad it was over. and that i can still eat sweets. hahahahaha!

the challenge

i'm being challenged this saturday. or at least my reaction to glucose is. because i'm an obese pregnant woman, my OB has ordered me to take the glucose challenge test. not that the baby is showing any signs of being too big (quite the opposite, actually), but just because i gained so much weight the past month. huhuhuhu (i'm almost back to my weight before i went on a diet last year. although at least, i'm 6 months pregnant now. last year i was just plain obese.)

so this friday, i have to stop eating by midnight in preparation for saturday morning's test. my appointment is at 8:30 in the morning and i'm not supposed to take anything but water until then. i don't know if i'll survive it, frankly. the test will last 3 hours, i'm told. because they'll have to administer the test 3 times, every hour.

pray for me, please?


*illustration by miss capricho

paranoia

i've reached the stage when i can't see past my belly. both literally and figuratively.

my entire consciousness just revolves around my tummy and everything that's happening inside it. and i'm so worried. it took me months before i realized i was pregnant. before that, i was taking so many things that a pregnant woman shouldn't. bailey's irish creme for after dinner drinks. acne medication.

maybe that's why i have this recurring dream that my baby has no arms. i'm so scared! and i'm at high risk for every complication and birth defect, you know. waaaaah!

no chocolate binge ever goes unpunished

i knew it!

all those chocolates couldn't be good for anyone. no one is allowed to be that happy and not suffer any consequences.

at my last prenatal check up last tuesday, my bp reading was 165/80!!!!

i got so scared i called my OB in cebu. (the one i have here just told me to exercise more and eat less. needless to say wa koy salig. hahahaha) she told me i need to have urine test, which i already did. fortunately there was no protein in my urine, so that means i don't have preeclampsia. (for now). i just need to take it easy. she says it's probably just stress-induced hypertension worsened by my weight gain.

so yes, i do have to cut down on the sweets. but she also told me to take it easy and not do brisk walking anymore. oh, and no heavy lifting either. the good news is, i don't need to take any medication. whew!

but i think i do have to cut down on my projects. i've been working late the past few months because of the sheer volume of orders i've been getting. now i'm actually turning down clients, esp the ones i anticipate will be difficult. i don't need more stress in my life.

it's all chelo's fault

that basket of goodies she sent me started it all. i was such a good girl, eating only healthy food (albeit in great amounts), when i was confronted with boxes of chocolate covered biscuits from harrods. no self-respecting girl can ever refuse that you know. esp not when they were sent by a dear friend. to you. on your birthday!

i've been gobbling them up, day and night. and when they ran out, i ran to marks & spencer to buy the closest substitute i could find. and gobbled them up as well. woe unto me! or rather, my scale! 3 kg in 2 weeks. yes, the numbers don't lie. and i know where it all came from.

all of a sudden i have nothing to wear.

the bebe also grew a lot, i think. i can see his movements under my clothes now. and the once light flutters are now ass-kicking bumps. inconvenient at times, like when he kicked my bladder while we were in church. lol. the hubby is frustrated that the bebe stops moving whenever his hand is on my belly. well, i have 4 more weeks here before we leave for cebu, so that gives him plenty of time to let his daddy feel his movements.

warning: contains suggestive language

there are only two things on my mind nowadays: food and sex. but while my cravings for food change every few weeks (what i'm crazy about one month will nauseate me the next), my appetite for sex has remained constant and unchanging. i'm horny all the time! i even dream about it!

this is probably one of the nicest things about being pregnant (for me). i desire my husband so much, it borders on obsession. i can't sleep if i don't smell him or touch him. when he's away at work, i can't stop thinking of being with him again at night. it's like the heady flush of early love, i tell ya. he finds it funny, i think. he laughs when i grope him any chance i can. yes, my prudish husband doesn't know what to do with his nympho pregnant wife. lol!

he's like a drug to me, sometimes. as the day wears on, my energy stores get depleted like a cellphone's battery after a 2-hour call. i feel tired, sleepy, listless. and then he walks in the door and i feel alive again! i don't know what i'll do when we go to cebu. i told him he should give me a worn shirt, something with his smell on it, so i can take it with me and sleep with it. i'm glad i won't be going home until the last possible moment i can. i don't know if i can survive being without him for a so long.

momnesia

peripartum amnesia.

it started out really funny, just minor lapses in short term memory like forgetting to turn on the rice cooker, or not knowing where i put my phone. last week, i went to the bathroom to put on my contact lenses, as i usually do after i clean the flat. i panicked when i saw that my containers were open and empty. and then i glanced up at the mirror and saw that i was already wearing them -- but i had absolutely no recollection of ever doing so!

another day, i wanted to call my sister about something important. i usually only call when it's really urgent, otherwise i'll send her an email. so i was holding the phone and sat down in front of the computer when she suddenly when online in ym. great! i thought, now i don't need to call. except that i had already forgotten what i needed to ask her. until now i can't remember.

it's crazy! really crazy! yesterday it turned dangerous. i turned on the stove to cook eggs for vito and forgot to turn it off. an hour later i was smelling gas all over the flat.

how am i going to deal with this? should i carry post-its and stick them on my arm every time i need to remember something important?

i don't think i'm just imagining this. or that this is a result of my not using my brain, because i do use my brain often! i'm teaching myself web design and development (and we're not talking just css codes here) and believe me, it's not as easy at it looks. i read about a study that shows the hormone oxytocin has selective effects on memory. i'm more inclined to believe that it's hormonal. i don't know any other explanation for it!

38 things to do before i die

tomorrow i turn 38. *gasp*
thoughts of my mortality always crop up near my birthday, and this time, it got me thinking of the things i want to do before i go (not so) gently into that good night:

1. join an archeological dig somewhere in the mediterranean
2. eat paella in valencia, spain
3. eat pizza in naples, italy
4. go on a luxury cruise (preferably on the queen mary 2)
5. ride the orient express (the venice simplon-orient-express that goes from istanbul-budapest-bucharest-venice)
6. learn how to make soufflé and macarons in paris
7. watch les miserables on broadway
8. ice skate in the lincoln center on christmas day
9. learn to make pasta from scratch, in tuscany
10. tour a winery in france
11. go to the top of the eiffel tower
12. spend an entire week touring the louvre
13. build houses for habitat for humanity
14. plant 100 trees
15. go to venice before it sinks and feed the pigeons at piazza san marco
16. visit rome, tour the vatican, look at each one of bernini's sculptures
17. eat a hotdog in the streets of new york while watching the macy's thanksgiving parade
18. watch a couple of matches in wimbledon (preferably with federer playing) --- i'll bring daddy along.
19. host a party at a vineyard in italy, in the fall, and invite all my friends
20. take a course in a very obscure subject that the world has no use for, like ancient egyptian bread-making or something like that.
21. go to london with mommy, it's got to be with mommy; and have afternoon tea at the ritz
22. tour all the castles in ireland
23. learn dressmaking
24. bring my kids to a dinosaur museum
25. spend a week at disneyland (with the kids, of course)
26. go to the opera (preferably la traviata or la boheme)
27. see all the major works of monet, gaugin, van gogh, and renoir
28. go on a gastronomic tour of italy and france
29. watch the sun set over uluru
30. fly a plane (it's one of my ultimate fears)
32. read all the classics
33. have my portrait painted
34. ride a camel in egypt and see the pyramids
35. teach someone illiterate to read (oh wait, i've done that with vito. hahahaha!)
36. drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring, or let manuel drive and i sit on the passenger seat. that's good enough for me. =)
37. go to walden pond and read thoreau while drifting on a canoe (manuel has to hold the oars, of course)
38. listen to beethoven's 9th symphony played live by the new york philharmonic orchestra

how about you? what's on your list?

preparing for raoul

i just realized that in about 6 or so weeks, i'll be leaving for cebu. you would think that gives me enough time to finish everything i need to do, but i feel panicky. i haven't even started buying baby essentials. as i said before, raoul is an unexpected and (unplanned) gift. we had already decided that we weren't going to have any more kids after vito so we gave away all of vito's baby things. we're back to zero.

i'm posting a list of things we need so i can refer to this as the months go by. maybe i'll purchase some of them in cebu. or maybe i'll start buying them slowly while i'm still here. i still haven't decided on whether we should set up a nursery. maybe a portion of our spare room (my office is here, and so are vito's toys) can be set up for the baby. i'll have to clear out some of the bookshelves to make way for raoul's things. where i'm going to transfer the contents, i have no idea! =)

things to buy:

SLEEPING

Complete Cot set - (pillows, blankets, sheets)

Baby-Safe Cot Mattress (needed in sg)

Cot blankets

complete bassinet set (needed in cebu)


BATHING & CHANGING

Baby bathtub (for cebu)

baby towels and washers (needed in cebu)

baby grooming set: hairbrush & comb, digital thermometer, nasal aspirator

FEEDING

breastfeeding pillow

breastfeeding bib (for me, so I can breastfeed in public without flashing anyone)

a few baby bottles, preferably avent newborn ones

avent breast pump

GENERAL

toys

baby mobile

nappy stacker/diaper caddy

baskets

going out clothes

onesies

booties and socks

GOING OUT

Pram/stroller

Baby carrier/sling

Nappy/Diaper bag



whew! i have to work doubly hard to afford all these things! that's why i've been accepting more orders than i can handle. don't wonder why i've been quiet lately, i've just been really busy and exhausted. manuel is saving up for the hospital expenses, so i said i'll take care of the baby's stuff.

perspective

i'm greatly saddened by the effects of the flood in manila. what a truly horrible catastrophe. all of a sudden, my troubles seem too small and insignificant compared to what people over there are going through right now.

what was i even worried about? i don't even remember anymore.

it's time to give thanks for blessings instead.

i'm happy that i gained only .8 kg in the past month. i went for a prenatal last saturday and i almost leapt with joy when i stepped on the scale. 800 grams in one month isn't bad, considering that 300 of it went to the baby. (i think maybe 200 went to my boobs as they're even bigger now.) at least my constant vigilance seems to be working.

the doctor warned me that my haemoglobin count is very low. i've always been anemic so i wasn't surprised. but she told me it's causing my baby to be on the small side. so that's not good. i need to take more iron supplements and to eat more food rich in iron. hello red meat! =D

the blood test and urine test also showed that i don't have gestational diabetes, which is a big relief!

i'm also grateful that i've been getting a lot of orders lately. more than i can handle, in fact. i still can't believe that there are people who actually want to pay me to do something i absolutely love to do! i'll count myself blessed, and i'm really truly grateful.

what are you grateful for this week?

plus size and pregnant

i'm due for another prenatal check-up this saturday. i hope everything will be fine. i've been doing my best to eat healthy and to exercise regularly. hey, i'm still doing the same exercise i did when i was trying to lose weight, ok? 1 hour of brisk-walking 5 times a week. sometimes i even remember to lift weights. (sometimes!)

it worries me that i've been gaining a lot of weight. i should be gaining less, but i think my genes might have something to do with it as well. i'm just not one of the lucky ones, no matter what i do. there are times when i wish i could go on a diet again, but on the days when i try to go back to phase 2 of the south beach, i feel really nauseous and i can't function for the entire day. maybe it's the lack of carbs. there's nothing like carbs to comfort a queasy tummy.

today i had a really healthy sandwich for breakfast. wholegrain bun, with leg ham, a handful of lettuce leaves, slices of tomato, a slice of cheese, some mayo and wholegrain mustard. yum! but then i started feeling nauseous afterwards. i don't get it. surely it doesn't mean i'm doomed to eat oatmeal forever and ever?

pasta cravings

of course i know why i've been gaining too much weight. carbs. evil evil delicious carbs.
i can't help it. they make me feel better. and let's face it, i can't exactly go on a diet while i'm pregnant.

i love this vongole i made. or should i say spaghetti ala vongole because i'm pretty sure i skipped some necessary ingredients. i made it really spicy (i can still eat spicy food, i'm not suffering from heartburn yet) and manuel loved it! he actually finished 3 plates-full of it. come to think of it, he has been eating 3 times what i eat lately. so he also looks 5 months pregnant. hahahahaha!

here it is

the bump
has finally surpassed my boobs
i now look very pregnant
as if pregnancy has degrees
(i think it does)
in a few more weeks
i will start to look like a hippo
as if i don't look like one now.

showing

i'm running out of clothes to wear. i'm really showing now. my belly bump is not just a bump. it's the size of a basketball. i can't imagine how big i'll be when i reach full term! waaaah! but being a creature of habit, i'm still wearing jeans (with the extender, of course) and tent tshirts. they still fit me, but the shirts are a bit snug around my tummy now.

i wish i could wear dresses all the time! but my thighs are so huge, they rub when i walk. eww. i'm not one of those lucky women who, when they get pregnant, manage to look like a ball on a stick. you know what i mean, only their bellies get big. unfortunately, my thighs get jealous, and so do my arms. they have to put on some padding as well. maybe one of these days i'll post a picture so you'll see how big i am right now. i'm still trying to summon up the courage. =)

sadness

i just learned today that a dear friend who got pregnant at the same time as i did, lost her baby just a few weeks ago. =( i wish i could be with her right now. the last time i saw her we were sharing a kilo of lanzones and discussing our myriad of pregnancy woes and symptoms.

chocolate fix

thank goodness for swiss miss diet cocoa! if not for this, i wouldn't be able to indulge in a daily chocolate fix. at only 25 calories per packet, it doesn't affect my daily calorie intake that much. and it tastes just as good as the regular one! i usually add a bit of nonfat milk though, just to increase my calcium intake.

now, if only they made sugar-free marshmallows to go with it. =) a girl, can dream, can't she? =D

temper! temper!

dang these hormones!

why can't i control my temper? the slightest thing can drive me screaming mad these days! aaargh! there are people that i actually want to throttle and kick, can you believe it? i'm so glad some of them are not around because i can't promise to behave myself if i do see them. i feel like an amazon warrior with an axe to grind. a valkyrie on a motorbike weilding a sword. beware all who cross my path.

breathe patricia. breathe.

the stress is so not good for me. i will focus on happy thoughts. pink. candy floss. shopping. casseroles. ice cream. butterflies. fairy dust. polkadots. moonbeams...

and exhale.

attack of the lazies

lazy, lazy, lazy

that's what i am this week. i spend all my afternoons lying down reading or taking a nap. mornings are for housework and answering emails. evenings are for working on themes (for 2 hours or so). and that's it. no classes this week for vito, it's their term break before the last term starts next week. that means i don't even need to go out of the house! yay!

i'm still eating healthy, don't worry. =) oatmeal for breakfast with nonfat milk and a bit of sugar. lunch usually means leftovers from the night before. and for dinner some dish with lots of veggies. i also make sure i eat either an apple, a banana, or pineapple slices, and drink a potassium-rich fruit juice. i take my vitamins religiously. i notice i don't have much of an appetite at night. i still get a bit nauseous until now.

but! no more headaches. no more hypertension. =) oh, and i'm on my 19th week now! that means i've reached the halfway mark. my ob has scheduled me for cs on my 38th week. i cannot go into labor because my uterus is scarred in many places. either it will rupture, or it won't be capable of synchronized contractions. either way, cs it is.

the weekend chef

i forgot to keep track of what i ate over the weekend. i'm sure it was more of the same things. except that sundays are pancake days. so i had a couple of small pancakes for breakfast yesterday. yum!

manuel cooked. he loves to cook. he wishes he could work as a chef instead of crunching numbers all day. so every weekend the kitchen is his.

you should taste his baked chicken. it's the best in the world! if anyone of you manages to apparate over here, i will ask him to cook his baked chicken for you.

resting

i love lazy days! yesterday was spent reading novels and revamping my patsthemes site. nothing even remotely productive (or income generating). in other words, a perfectly happy day! at least for a pregnant woman who easily overheats. =D

here's my food list:

breakfast: 1 c oatmeal with 1 c nonfat milk and 1 tsp sugar. (this is getting to be boring. and i find myself hungry again after 2 hours.)
mid morning snack: 1 apple, 2 slices toasted baguette with butter
lunch: 1 1/2 c kiddie style spaghetti (you know, with hotdogs, mushrooms, sweet tomato sauce, and lots of cheese)
afternoon snack: 1 apple with 1/4 c walnuts
dinner: 1 1/2 c stir-fried garlic bud stalks with tofu. 1/2 c rice.
dessert: 2 tbsp strawberry ice cream

success!

for two days now by bp has gone down to 120/80. yay! i'm glad to see results right away. i think the calcium really works.

yesterday i overtaxed myself and i almost collapsed. never again. today i'm resting. didn't even send vito to school because i don't want to be stressed. i have muscle pains all over! pregnant women cannot carry 3kg of books and walk 4kms under the heat of the noonday sun. i was irresponsible.

my food choices for yesterday echoed the ones for tuesday.

breakfast - 1 c oatmeal again with nonfat milk and 1 tsp sugar.
midmorning snack - 1 fuji apple
lunch - 1 siopao (i had to stop on the way home and eat the siopao i bought for my afternoon snack because i was about to faint from low blood sugar levels. i was actually shaking and felt very weak)
- 1/2 c rice, 1 c stir-fried cauliflower and brocolli, 1 c sauteed long beans, 1/2 c sweet sour pork
afternoon snack - none
dinner - leftover chicken fajitas with grilled veggies on 1 wholemeal tortilla
dessert - 1/2 c strawberry ice cream (the kind with real fruits in it)

kind words

some people really know how to make others feel better. today was a school holiday so jessica, my singaporean friend and mom to vito's bff, organized another swimming party. i was talking to linda, my aussie friend, and bemoaning the fact that i had gained 8kg since i got pregnant. she said, "you know, i gained 6 kg since we last saw each other and i'm not even pregnant. i bet that makes you feel better, huh?" hahahahaah! oh, you bet it did!

the other moms were trying to cheer me up and telling me how wonderful it is to have 2 kids of the same sex. actually all of them have 2 boys each. so now i'll be part of the club. =)

anyway, here's my food diary entry for today:
breakfast: 1 c oatmeal made from rolled oats, 1 c nonfat milk, 1 tsp sugar, 1 tsp raisins
mid morning snack: 1 medium banana
lunch: 1/2 pancit guisado, 1/2 c fried rice w veggies, 1 c chicken/mango/lettuce salad w no dressing. dessert: 2 old-fashioned donuts. 1 c unsweetened apple juice.
afternoon snack: 1 banana, 1/2 c pancit guisado (had to eat the leftovers)
dinner: chicken fajitas made of -- 1 wholewheat tortilla, 3 grilled chicken strips, 4 strips grilled bell pepper, 3 strips grilled eggplant, 1 tsp mayo w garlic, 4 lettuce leaves.
after-dinner drink: chamomile vanilla tea

monday's food list

i walked so much today! i hope i burned a lot of calories.

sadly, i think i overcompensated by eating too much. if only i didn't get so hungry after exercising!

breakfast: 1 c oatmeal made from rolled oats, 1 c nonfat milk, 1 tsp sugar
mid morning snack: (after walking for 1 1/2 hrs) sandwich made from high-fibre bread slices, 2 slices leg ham, 1 slice cheese, 5 lettuce leaves, 1 tbsp mayo
lunch: 1/2 c rice, 1 1/2c stir-fried cauliflower, broccoli & sayote, 1 palm-sized breaded fish fillet. 1 c pineapple for dessert.
afternoon snack: 1 veggie spring roll, 1 siopao
dinner: 1 1/2 c pancit guisado with lots and lots of veggies, 1 banana for dessert

here we go again

in my last prenatal visit, my bp was slightly elevated. 140/60. i don't know if it was the accumulation of a week of eating sambal chilli (like bagoong with chilli), a lack of sleep the night before, plus vito going wild in the waiting area of the doctor's clinic as they were taking my bp. strangely, my doctor didn't even mention it. i read up on it, and most sites say that 140/60 is still mild gestational hypertension. no medication needed, just monitoring.

i called my sister and my mom for free advice, and i was told to increase my calcium intake to 1,500mg or even 2,000mg a day; increase potassium intake (more bananas, pineapple, and apples); decrease salt; and get more bed rest during the day (to help the baby get bigger); and continue with my walking. i'm also watching what i eat very carefully, so i will be posting my food diary again. you don't have to read it if you don't want to. =)

here's my entry for sunday:

breakfast: 2 small pancakes, 1 tsp butter, 1 tbsp sugar-free syrup, 1 tbsp maple syrup, 1/4 c nonfat milk. 1 mug green tea with 1 tsp sugar and 1/2 c nonfat milk
midmorning snack: 1/3 c broad beans
lunch: 1/2 c rice, 1/2 c monggo soup, 1/2 of a chicken drumstick, 1 slice low sodium luncheon meat.
afternoon snack: 1 apple, 1 cup sikwati with 1 tsp sugar and low fat milk
dinner: 1/2 c rice, 1 grilled chicken leg (thigh and drumstick), 1 cup tomato and salted egg salad, 3 pcs calamansi squeezed over everything.

the ballooning of me

want to know how much weight i gained over the two week vacation? =P

8 lbs!

and that's despite my frequent throwing up. just imagine if i was just taking it all in!

at least i'm back to my daily brisk walking. i promise to eat healthier meals from now on. on monday i go back to phase 2 of south beach. no more white rice. no more white bread. goodbye siopao. goodbye biko. goodbye pasta.

crazy cravings

even my dear husband says it's not me. why would i brave the crowds at lucky plaza on a sunday just to eat sinigang and buy nagaraya? =) it's not me, it's my cravings. i prefer biko over cheesecake. achara over pasta. sinigang over anything else. weirdness!

the food trip

i'm starting to feel hungry, and that's a good sign. =) it means the nausea is easing out. i was just telling my dear husband that my cravings are in full force, unfortunately they're for hard to find filipino food:

1. guso and sinugbang pork belly (this is chelo's fault for posting it)
2. larsian barbecue
3. itlog na maalat with tomatoes and cucumber
4. suman and manggo
5. puto bumbong
6. lechon! with puso! and achara!
7. spanish sardines
8. puto maya and sikwati
9. the ginger sauce in ding qua qua/harbor city
10. really cold buko pandan
11. leche flan
12. gourmet daing from bacolod, best eaten with number 3 and a plateful of bahaw =)

ahh, i can't wait for our trip!

enough of this

i cannot pretend that it doesn't bother me. i cannot put on a smile and act like everything is wonderful when it's not. but i will promise you that i will stop complaining. i'm so tired of listening to my own whining.

yes i sometimes feel like i'm alone in this. sure my dear hubby is ever so supportive and helpful, and i know that if he could only siphon away all the nasty symptoms he would, just to give me a rest. every single night i pray that tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow i will have more energy. tomorrow i will find pleasure in the world around me. tomorrow the hormones won't pull me to the depths of misery.

i should be stronger than this. stronger than my hormones. stronger than circumstances. i have willed myself to triumph over trials much more challenging than this one. it's just pregnancy hormones after all!

from now on, i hereby resolve to:

• find good books to read that will lift up my spirits
• call a friend for a chat whenever i feel down again
• focus on one task at a time and try to keep my mind on it and not on my queasiness
• take out my camera and start looking at the beauty around me
• get excited about my coming trip to cebu - maybe i should focus on the lechon i will eat? =)
• just grin and bear it. i'm sure it won't last forever.

hyperacidity and heartburn

yesterday was absolutely the worst day i've ever experienced in my pregnancy. i don't know why i've been having hyperacidity when i'm eating constantly, but i am. and it's so extreme it renders me almost incapacitated. i can't think, i can't do anything, i just feel so miserable. i normally don't bother manuel when he's at work but yesterday i had to call him because i needed to cry out my pain.

i bought an antacid but it only made things worse. 10 minutes after taking it i was back to hugging the bowl. i don't know what else to do! i called my sister in australia and she said the only thing i can do is try to bear it. i still don't know how i was able to force myself to cook dinner and clean the house but i somehow did. i made sinigang with lots of veggies. sinigang is comfort food for me. by 8pm i was feeling better.

please let it be an isolated incident.

10 weeks and counting

the first trimester is almost over. hopefully i'll start feeling better soon. i've been trying to do mind over matter but it doesn't seem to be working much. (well, at least i tried, right?)

it's almost over. it's almost over. it's almost over...

on another note, i was at the mall today and i saw a huge sale over at mango. the dress i was lusting after a few months back is now 70% off. the pale pink one with the black sash. unfortunately it'll never fit me now. talk about irony! on the other hand, another dress did fit me and it looked so nice even vito said i look so pretty. unfortunately it was way too short and displayed my not so svelte thighs. hmmm. maybe i can wear it with my skinny jeans? on second thought, these jeans won't fit me in a month's time so scrap that. oh well. at least my money is still safe in the bank. =)

i like to move it move it

thanks to the fact that vito needs to be walked to school, i'm getting all the exercise i need. and i'm forced to get off my butt and out of the house every day.

what makes me happy now is the fact that this doesn't seem to be a delicate pregnancy, not like during vito's time when i had to be on bed rest all the time. (thank you Lord!) i don't know what i'd do if that was the case.

anyway, now i can still brisk-walk, and sometimes sprint a little bit (like when i'm crossing the street and the lights are about to change hehehehe) without feeling any pain. my fit flops are my best friend. they're so comfortable, i love them to bits.

the consequence? my (size 30) jeans still fit me. except for a slight tightening around the waist, they all still fit. yay! when i was pregnant with vito i was already wearing maternity clothes by this time!

sing with me now:
i like to move it move it. i like to move it move it. i like to - move it! =P

not fabulous

i want to start feeling happy about this pregnancy. i really do. but my mental state right now leaves much to be desired. i'm always depressed, and the queasiness that just won't go away threatens to overwhelm any positive emotion i'm feeling. i have a short fuse nowadays, i snap at everything and everyone. poor manuel! i didn't know my husband has it in him to be patient with me after all.

the other moms at vito's school all noticed that he lost a lot of weight. it's my fault. the past weeks have been so horrible that he often went to bed at 6pm without any dinner. because i didn't have the patience to make him take a nap in the afternoon. more often than not he falls asleep in front of the tv. i'm such a bad mommy. mea culpa. mea culpa. mea maxima culpa.

i'm trying to do better, i really am. and i do try my best to ignore the way i'm feeling but how can i do it when i seem to be hugging the bowl more and more frequently? for those of you who have never been pregnant, just imagine your worst seasickness experience and imagine it coming in waves every few minutes of every single day! that's how it feels. now couple that with extreme hunger pangs. nauseous and hungry at the same time? yep, that's the first trimester for you. it's definitely not a happy feeling.

this is so not me you know. i'm a very positive person. i know i am. pollyanna has nothing on me. i'm normally all sunshine and laughter and i'd be the first to tell you to focus on the positive and change whatever you don't like and move on. kinda hard to do in this case.

the bad and good list

feel free to ignore this entry. i'm just documenting the food that make me sick and those that are more tummy-friendly. every pregnancy certainly is different, i had a totally different list when i was pregnant with vito.

the good list

sandwiches
bananas
green mango
peppermint
cold soy milk
iced milk tea
ginger
cheese
cheese and crackers
oatmeal
sweet potato
baked potato
salty crackers
popcorn
chicken burger
ketchup
chocolate cookies
watermelon
kiamoy
fresh strawberries dipped in salt

the bad list

water!
anything with sauteed onions
anything with msg
chinese food
anything fried or greasy except french fries
grapes
ripe mango
pork
mcdonald's burgers except chicken
fruit juice - esp the red ones
tomato sauce
broccoli
roti prata
curry
hot chocolate
strawberry cream filling
some brands of mayonnaise
adobo
satay
congee
stir-fried chicken or veggies

and the list goes on.... and even changes some weeks. so basically there are times when i don't know what to eat.

hurrah!

i've been feeling better the past few days. =) still queasy, still nauseous, but at least i don't feel like i'm DYING anymore! and no more coughing! hallelujah! i can finally sleep through the night!

it's been hard to focus on anything pleasant when i was feeling awful, so i just kept myself busy. i'm thankful to the Lord for sending orders my way. i sure felt better when i didn't have to think about how i was feeling.

this is a crazy trimester. my hormones have completely taken over my mind. i've been crying over really silly stuff, like seeing an old man cook paella on discovery travel and living; an ad about an olympic swimmer saving sharks; a girl buying pastries from a convent. my cravings are for really weird things as well, food i normally wouldn't eat like paksiw na isda, and ginger candy. why can't i crave pasta? or ice cream? or chocolate cake? you know, normal food! =)

oh, i forgot, i love sandwiches now. (that's normal at least.) been making a lot of them as they help with the queasiness. and i get to have lots of calcium because i put a lot of cheese in them. =) i esp like them grilled, like the one in the picture. got the recipe from nigella (where else?), she spikes her mayo with worcestershire sauce! it's so yummy!

time to move on

i'm sure y'all have better things to do than read my food diary entries. so i won't post them anymore. it's become difficult to keep track of what i actually eat anyway, because most of the time i just spew it back out. i'm afraid to eat now. i never know what will trigger another round of barfing. sometimes starch helps, sometimes it doesn't. sometimes fruits help, sometimes they don't. i just know that i'm always really really hungry but the moment i try to eat something it comes back out again.

sigh.

i can't wait for the next trimester to start. please. please. i can't stand this anymore.

wishing

i wish the queasiness would go away....
i wish my cough would get better (it's been 4 weeks)
i wish i wasn't this gassy and bloated
i wish i had lots of montaño spanish sardines on stock
i wish i wasn't gaining weight so fast

spanish sardines!!!!!!!!!!

i love spanish sardines! i saw an opened bottle in the fridge and suddenly salivated. and i used to hate sardines. well, not entirely. i love spanish sardines with crackers, but not with anything else. it was the best breakfast ever. too bad i have no more montaño bottles left. =( waaaaaaah!
i want more!!!!!!!


breakfast: 5 pcs spanish sardines with 1 cup sinangag (fried rice with lots of garlic)
green tea with splenda and 1/4 c nonfat milk

no lunch, it was a heavy breakfast for me.

2pm snack: 1 slice of cheese, 1 cup unsweetened soy milk

5pm snack: 3 cups green mango, with about 1 tsp of bagoong just for the happiness it gives. hehehehe

dinner: 2 cups monggo soup with lots of malunggay and lean ground pork (manuel cooked it for me); 1/2 c pork adobo
green tea

it's a carbohydrate day

i was planning to go out today. i needed to buy some stuff from the grocery. i took a bath, dressed up, and went to bed instead. =)

here's my food journal entry:

breakfast: 1 cup old fashioned rolled oatmeal with 1 tbsp wheat germ and dried cranberries and pistachios.
green tea with 1/4 c nonfat milk and splenda

lunch: 3 tbsp cooked penne, with 1/2 c fresh mushrooms, 1 tbsp chopped ham, sautéed in olive oil, sprinkled with parmesan cheese and juice of 1/4 a lemon
dessert: 4 pcs cheese sandwich crackers. yum! took away my queasiness.

mid-afternoon snack: 1 cup blueberries, 1/2 c gouda cheese cubes, 1/2 c raw walnuts

dinner: 1/2 c rice, 1 cup beef stew (low fat beef chunks, carrots, yellow capsicum, mushrooms, lima beans, olives, capers in tomato sauce) --- i picked the ingredients for the most nutrients i can get.

i notice that carbohydrates seem to make me feel a little better. hmmmm.

no exercise for me today. i cleaned the house instead.

take a hike

well, that's what i just did. i brisk-walked for 30 minutes after dinner. the breeze was cool, the park was quiet, and i felt much better. =)

perhaps tonight i can sleep uninterrupted.

day 2

not so good.

i felt worse today. low energy levels and major queasiness. little bit of stomach cramps.
i kept eating.

breakfast: 2-egg omelet with fresh mushrooms and cheddar
green tea with 1/4 c nonfat milk

mid morning snack: 3 tbsp rice with 2 slices luncheon meat (i ate vito's leftovers)

lunch: 1 square tofu, fried, with peanuts, in honey garlic sauce (very little)
1 c high calcium unsweetened soy milk

mid afternoon snack: 1/2 kiwi fruit
1 sandwich (high fibre bread with 1 tsp mayo, 5 pcs lettuce leaves, luncheon meat)
green tea with 1/4 c nonfat milk

dinner: 1 zinger (manuel remembered how i craved zinger when i was pregnant with vito so he ordered some. so sweet of him.)
1 cup cole slaw with very little mayo

i feel so full i want to barf. i'm not used to eating a whole sandwich anymore.
i'll do better tomorrow.

food diary day 1

(well, day 1 after i found out anyway)

breakfast:
2-egg omelet with broccoli, fresh mushrooms, basil, and cheddar cheese. cooked in butter substitute made with olive oil.
green tea with 1/4 c soy milk, splenda

mid-day snack: frozen nonfat strawberry yoghurt with kiwi bits

mid-afternoon snack: 1/2 really big green mango
1/2 c bite-sized crackers

dinner: chicken and mango salad with honey mustard dressing

after-dinner: 1 cup unsweetened soy milk


*no lunch, i wasn't hungry

baby, let's move

it's important to stay fit when you're pregnant, so i'm keeping my walking regimen. i walk at least 30 minutes a day, now that vito is still on school break. when school starts in two weeks i'll be back to my one hour a day dose of brisk walking.

can i still do wii boxing? hmm, i'm not sure yet. i haven't had the energy to do it anyway as i'm always feeling lazy. maybe i can try it 3x a week.

should i follow this?

i got this from pregnancy period.com

When you’re pregnant, everything you do either contributes to you and your baby’s health or is a missed opportunity to have done something positive for both of you. You can make a big difference in your health and in your baby's health, just by choosing the right foods for a healthy pregnancy diet.

Your healthy pregnancy diet should include up to four servings of dairy products each day. Dairy is an important source of calcium and Vitamin D. You can choose from milk or yogurt – even cheese can count as a dairy serving as well. If you’re lactose intolerant or are an active vegan, soy options exist that can replace dairy products.

Every day, you should have one to two servings of lean protein, which includes foods like chicken, beef, pork, lamb, fish and seafood. Do be aware, however, that some forms of seafood – particularly fish that may contain mercury and sushi – aren’t safe during pregnancy. If you’re a vegetarian, you can choose beans and cheese to fulfill your dietary requirements. However, if you’re choosing cheese as a protein source, it can’t also count as a dairy serving – one serving of food can only fulfill one requirement, not two. Aim for a total daily protein intake of around 80 grams, counting the protein in all the foods you consume.

One or two servings of fresh green leafy vegetables should also be included every day. Vegetables like lettuce, cabbage, spinach, kale, mustard greens, turnip greens and collard greens all fit into this category.

You should also include five servings of whole grains each day. Whole grain products not only provide a number of vitamins and minerals, they’re also a good source of fiber. Pregnant women have a tendency to be constipated, and whole grains can be a big help with this. Whole wheat bread is a good choice – just make sure the first ingredient on the label reads “100% whole wheat,” and not “enriched wheat,” which isn’t actually a whole grain. Whole grain cereals like oatmeal are also a good choice, as is granola, as long as it doesn’t include trans fats.

Each day, you should include at least one serving of fruit that’s rich in Vitamin C in your diet. This could be an orange or grapefruit, or a serving of tomato. This can be in juice form, although the whole fruit is preferable, as you’ll get more fiber and nutrients this way.

You should also try to include two eggs in your diet every day. Eggs are an excellent source of protein and contain many vitamins and minerals that benefit your body, including a healthy form of cholesterol that will help your baby's brain develop.

Healthy fats are another important dietary element during pregnancy. Nut oils, olive oil, or avocados are good choices. Avoid trans fats and aim for three servings of healthy fat each day.

Five times each week, add a yellow or orange colored fruit or vegetable to your diet. This includes carrots, squash and yellow bell peppers. These foods are a good source of beta carotene, from which the body manufacturers vitamin A.

Finally, try to include a whole baked potato in your diet three times a week. Baked potatoes are a good source of easily digestible iron, a nutrient that women need more of throughout their pregnancies.

In addition to these guidelines, you should also remain hydrated, drinking plenty of water and other liquids as needed. Unless your doctor has specifically instructed you to do so, salt your foot to taste. This helps your blood volume increase in a safe way.

what now?

i never expected i'd be pregnant. i was in denial for the last couple of weeks, telling myself that my period was just delayed because i've been under a lot of stress lately. i still don't know how to react. a part of me is really excited (and wishing it's a baby girl), but i'm also largely apprehensive about the whole thing. i'm turning 38 this year! it'll be a high-risk pregnancy for sure. and what about all the weight i lost? i don't know whether to laugh or cry. =)

but i hereby resolve to watch my weight so that i don't balloon to 95kg again. i will still eat carefully, picking only the healthiest food, and i will take my vitamins and supplements (which i have yet to buy). and if the doctor allows me, i will continue my workout.

uhm

i haven't been feeling like myself lately. just the thought of exercise leaves me exhausted. i have no desire to go out of the house. the effort of dressing up is too much to even consider.

maybe i'm just hormonal. i don't know.

we went to a pool party yesterday and i spent more time reading in a corner. maybe it's just one of those phases.



p.s. the photo isn't mine, i grabbed this somewhere i don't even remember. my apologies to the photographer.

whenever i need more motivation ---

here's the secret way i've been motivating myself every now and then - i buy a new pair of jeans that are a little too small for me. every week, i try it on until i reach the right size. =D

my latest acquisition is a pair of denim low-waist capris. when i bought the pair, i couldn't lift it past my thighs, let alone past my hips. now, thanks in part to my fitflops i suppose, i can now close the zipper and the buttons. and yes, i can wear them without suffering some blood vessel constriction or something. hahahahaha.

i'm loving how my bum looks from the side now, it's much higher, tighter, and there's less sagging at the bottom. i just need to work on the cellulite in my thighs a bit more and i'm ready for that mini-skirt! =)

tell me this isn't happening

so i've been exercising, and eating healthy, in fact i went back to phase one for a couple of days.
so why did i just gain 5kg in 4 days?????

in what parallel universe does that even make any sense?!

and i'm sure it's not just my weighing scale because i do feel heavier! and my waistbands are a bit tighter today! is this just pms? because that's a serious case of bloating if there ever was one!

this is so not fair!

weight loss = happiness?

so i've been thinking a lot about this lately. will i really be happier when i achieve my goal weight?

it's easy to say i'll be happy when (i lose x amount of weight, get a new job, have a million dollars, get a new haircut, etc); but we all know happiness doesn't reside in superficial things.

the fact that i am already happy about my current state says a lot, i suppose. and it also confuses me. so i'm not trying to lose weight to be happy. i'm trying to lose weight so i'll look good in nice clothes (primarily), and not feel like an elephant lumbering among gazelles when i walk around this country of thin people.

do i like my current size? actually i do. i can already fit into local brands, i can wear some stuff i've never been able to wear before, and i feel lighter, and so much healthier. am i still overweight? you bet i am. 30 lbs over my ideal weight, in fact. so yes, i still need to exert more effort. much as i love to pretend that i can now eat ice cream and cake, i know that i can't, and i musn't.

i still have a long way to go. i hope i still have the willpower.

the two most feared words in the english language -

pool party!!!!!!

i was invited to a pool party next week. gulp. suddenly the pressure to lose 5kg wasn't enough.

now i have to look tolerable in a swimsuit. heaven help me!

suddenly i'm wishing my period would come.

*insert wail here*

not unreachable after all

so the 5kg weight loss isn't as tough as i thought it would be. i've already lost 3 kg so far, so i only have 2 more to go. i've been keeping fit by doing wii boxing regularly, on top of my daily brisk walking. and i've been a good girl (so far) with my diet.

whew!

shhhhh

we're going to cebu in july!!!! for two weeks! i can't wait!!! =D my parents don't know yet. hehehe. i don't know if i should surprise them as they're really busy and might be out of town if i don't let them know. =D

Wii sports

you don't really need to buy the Wii fit to get a workout. try the boxing and the tennis games, i swear you'll get all the workout you need!

not so little white lie

we were filling out our application form for hospitalization insurance last week, and of course we came to the box that asks for my weight.

i lied.

i put in a figure that was 5 kg less than my current weight. so now i'm pressured to reach that fictional figure in two weeks' time, when we'll have to go for a medical screening.

hahahahah! i knew it was going to bite me in the *ss!

summer dresses

i long to wear summer dresses!

but my arms are still not sleeveless-worthy! waaaaaaaaah!

the verdict

there's been a lot of hype over fitflops. but a good friend told me all the claims were for real. that's why i bought myself a pair. after using them for over a week now, i can really say that they work. without a doubt.

i measured myself today and i was amazed, i lost an inch around my hips, and 1/2 inch on each of my thighs. in just one week. my bum feels tighter, and my calves are more shapely. and i haven't been serious about my diet at all. at least, not in the past two weeks.

but the best thing about them is they are supremely comfortable. i was on my feet for 5 straight hours and my feet didn't hurt at all. (just my bum and the back of my thighs though) i don't ever want to take them off!

the flip flop with the gym built in

i love my fit flops! i bought a pair for myself for mothers' day and i don't want to take it off! they're so comfortable, provides good arch support, and forces my feet to have proper alignment when i walk. plus, i feel my butt getting tighter each step i make, not to mention the back of my thighs and my calves.

here's something i found at youtube:




and here are a list of reasons why millions of other people are now wearing fitflops:

1. FitFlop midsoles incorporate patent-pending micro-wobbleboardTM technology, to give you a workout while you walk. Developed by Darren James and Dr David Cook at LSBU, the FitFlop's unique safely -tapered midsole places varying densities of EVA under your feet each time you step, to challenge the support and balance muscles of the foot and leg.

2. They challenge hard to reach muscles more. FitFlops are engineered with a multi-density midsole that stimulates your muscles more while you're wearing them. In independent University testing, FitFlops have been shown to trigger increase gluteal muscle response, increased hamstring response, increase rectus femoris (thigh) response and increased calf muscle response .

3. Every step you take in your FitFlops helps tone and trim your legs: Studies at Salford University by Dr. Philip Graham-Smith and Richard Jones have shown that the FitFlop midsole extends the amount of time that the slow twitch* muscles are engaged during each step (by approximately 10-12%). So just by wearing a pair of FitFlops you'll get more exercise while doing just exactly what you're normally doing. (*slow twitch muscles produce energy by converting fats into energy aerobically)

4. FitFlops work your bum muscles more. FitFlops have been clinically proven to increase the amount of time that the gluteus maximus muscle is 'activated' during every single step.

5. FitFlops have been shown to have a significant effect on the toning muscles of your thighs: The rectus femoris muscle (one of the large muscles in the group of muscles in your thigh) is activated for a longer period of time while walking in FitFlops than while normally shod or barefoot .

6. Walking in FitFlops is like walking barefoot, but a little bit better. According to a study done at the University of Salford in Manchester, UK, the FitFlop wearer's gait is very similar to that of a barefoot walker, but the added cushion provided by the EVA midsole helps reduce joint strain and absorb shock. In fact, several FitFlop wearers have already reported relief from back pain after a few days of wearing them.

7. FitFlops make it easier to stay in shape. Just throw them on while you're running errands, walking to work, or working around your house. Most first-time FitFlop wearers report feeling their muscles working more, while 'fitter' wearers feedback has been more toward great comfort and cushion. One woman reported feeling like she'd had a 'bum-blasting' workout after a half an hour of FitFlop-shod walking.


since i walk everyday for about an hour, i can't wait to see the results in a few months' time!

crazy mind set

maybe i should stop listening to people who tell me how much weight i lost. it seems that every time i hear that, or every time i see how some of my new clothes have gotten looser, i start eating bad carbs again. you know how it is, you start to be complacent and before you know it, you're on a yo-yo again. i don't want that to happen.

while i do love the size i'm in right now (hey, i can fit into local xl sizes, and that's a huge deal for me because xl here is size 10), i do need to lose quite a bit more weight. i initially set out to be a size 10 and i succeeded. but that's not my ideal size, i should be 6 or 8. well, 6 on top and 8 around the hips (i got the alixes' wide hips). so i shouldn't be taking it easy, not one bit.

just a reminder to myself.

aaaargh!

kare-kare + rice + apple pie + chocolate mousse + pandan cake + donuts = 5 lbs weight gain

i could kick myself

exhausted

we walked 7 kms yesterday. in the rain. and i was wearing 4" wedge platform sandals. i think i deserve an award.

we were invited to witness a beach baptism and couldn't get a ride home, so we decided to walk the whole length of the beach. and then of course it had to rain hard, but that didn't deter my boys from continuing as they found it FUN. good thing i had my umbrella because no way was i getting soaked when i was wearing a white linen blouse.

about halfway to our place we found an outdoor eating area that had huge umbrellas so we stopped by to eat and wait out the rain. i changed my little boy's shirt so he wouldn't catch a cold. and then we trudged on again. the little boy was asleep an hour after we arrived home, woke up at 7 this morning. didn't think my little trooper would be able to last that long on his legs, but he did.

this is so not me

but i'm learning to adapt.

this is how i look most days when i bring vito to school. jeans, tshirt, rubber shoes. who would have thought? =)

oh, and notice the transformers shirt? i bought that at the boys teens' section. it's a hit with vito and his friends. hahahaha! apparently i can be a cool mama too. =D

the fasciitis thing

update:
my plantar fasciitis seems to be going away. and it's all because of this pair of shoes. not the running shoes i recently bought, but this old pair of nike ballerina-style walking shoes. or are they dancing shoes? i don't really know. =)

but they're so comfy and they kinda force me to walk properly, i don't know why. and really, i don't much care as long as it works! =) too bad it's not weather-proof, so i can only wear them when it's sunny.

but i love that they go well with casual skirts, capris, and even regular jeans.

a great bargain

Anyone who has even flirted with the idea of starting a low-carbohydrate diet knows that most dieters eventually abandon such lifestyles due to the boredom that results from the elimination of certain core foods. (Under the South Beach plan, bread, pasta and rice are prohibited in the initial stage and then reintroduced in limited portions in stages two and three). In The South Beach Diet Cookbook, Dr. Agatston tackles the problem by presenting a wide range of recipes that are not only within the Plan’s guidelines but are delicious, satisfying, and simple to prepare.

What makes this recipe book (and probably the South Beach diet itself) so appealing is that it uses ingredients that are readily available and can be easily incorporated in a dieter’s daily routine. In addition, while some diet cookbooks provide extensive information relating to which foods should be avoided and why, this cookbook centers around permissible food choices. This directs the focus of South Beach dieters away from what is not allowed and towards the wide range of satisfying ingredients that are consistent with the plan. This tactic minimizes the feelings of boredom and deprivation often associated with Dr. Agatston’s diet.

Would you believe I got this book for less than S$5? I can never resist a sale sign, much less one found right outside a bookstore! I am so happy to have found this at that price, because you know how expensive hard bound books are, especially good cookbooks! The photographs are fantastic, and the instructions are really easy.

After a brief introductory material, the book delves into traditional categories of recipes such as breakfast, appetizers, soups, salads, side dishes, fish and poultry, meats, vegetarian entrees and desserts. Each recipe is labeled as being appropriate for Phase One, Two or Three of the South Beach plan. The recipes offer a host of flavors and food choices, and the instructions are clear and concise even as they span difficulty levels. Recipes top chefs prepare in some of the finest restaurants are also scattered throughout the book, reinforcing the non-restrictive nature of the diet.

still alive

hello everyone! i know i haven't been blogging a lot for a looooong time, but things have been crazy busy around here. i have no time to gather my thoughts and write them down in a way that would make sense.

my weight has been steady, neither going up or going down. i blame the binignit i made on maundy thursday, a huge stockpot of it which took us 4 days to finish. plus countless other "sins". it's a wonder i haven't been gaining weight actually.

i had some skin problems last month, necessitating a lot of photoshop-ing in the photos i posted in my multiply site. =) talk about breakouts! a gigantic pimple erupted on the tip of my nose and no amount of acne medication could take it out. and it left a scar. grrrrrr.

how have you been? anyone losing weight yet? =)

fashion and people watching

(warning, this blog has no point whatsoever. i don't have time for soul-searching nowadays.)

every morning as she brings her daughter to school, i get a glimpse of what a woman who has it all looks like. she's tall, svelte, wealthy, pretty, and dresses well. (ok so maybe she has her own share of sorrows too, everyone does.) she's always in designer clothes, with bags and shoes the brands of which i know i will never be able to afford in my lifetime.

i don't know her name. her daughter goes to kindergarten, that's all i know. =) but i love to watch her, i love taking note of what she's wearing. it's like fashion watch only more pathetic. hahahaha!

anyway, today she had on a spectacular outfit. her dress was in the palest ivory, with delicate black floral print, a fitted bodice, sleeveless, softly-pleated skirt, with a black sash around her impossibly small waist. i love that she paired the dress with classic pumps in a perfect shade of nude. just like the ones the march issue of vogue says we should all be wearing because it elongates the heels.

i say, hurray for the return of the nude heel! i've always been a scaredy-cat when it comes to shoes. i opt for classic styles and colors, afraid to experiment (although some red and purple have been known to creep into my shoe cabinet once in a while). but this is a classic that i really missed. not that i need one. i just remembered how good they look when i saw the pair she was wearing today. shouldn't have given my old pair away. huhuhu.


* made a quick sketch of her outfit in my little notebook. sorry, i didn't have time to make it look nicer.

grass are for goats

i can't believe the day would come when not only will i be eating grass, i'd be growing them too!
one of the take home packs my little boy got out of their field trip to the hydroponics farm was a grow your own wheatgrass set. curious, i followed the instructions and voila! a few days later, i had a healthy growth of wheatgrass!

what to do with it? i asked myself. i know wheatgrass is really healthy. 15 g of wheatgrass is equal in overal nutritional value to 350g of vegetables. it contains 70% crude chlorophyll, which resembles haemoglobin and therefore the body is able to easily utilize it to oxygenate, energise, and heal. it improves skin and hair, fights infection, lowers blood pressure, suppresses appetite (!), increases haemoglobin production (which i need because i'm anaemic), and purifies the liver and kidney. whew! so much from a small clump of grass.

anyway, i heard you're supposed to turn it into juice with cucumbers, celery, and other stuff but since i had none of those, i just ate them. yes, i ate the grass like a goat. and you know how it tasted? like fresh green guava.

i'm planting more of them tomorrow.

some days

some days i like to prettify myself and wear seriously nice outfits even when i'm just staying home.

some days i don't feel like doing anything or even trying to look good.

some days i feel like experimenting and don outfits that i wouldn't dream of wearing outside.

this is one such day. =)

i wore a coral pink tank top, with spring green capris =) instant pick me up!

reasons to hope

it's probably good that i'm not rich. (oh wait till my hubby reads this.) money, it seems to me, sends people in one of three directions: it accelerates an innate inclination to be generous; or it accelerates a kamikaze inclination to party with paris hilton; or it sucks away your sense of purpose and produces a desperate need to eat nothing but cheetos while staring blankly at an endless cycle of friends reruns.

i'd like to think that if i were rich, i'd be the kind of person who looks at the world and decides to fund cancer research and build schools and feed the hungry, and save whoever needs saving, but there's an excellent chance i'd be the kind of person who looks at the world and decides never to get out of bed again. in fact, staying in bed with cheetos and a tub of gelato isn't such a bad idea right now. if only i didn't have to do chores. sigh.

let's face it, it's not pretty out there. the economy of the entire world is in shambles and the world as we know it is threatening to collapse. global warming is accelerating at an alarming pace. and madonna still looks great. people no longer work like dogs to get ahead, they work like dogs just to stay where they are. some days i need to give myself a few good reasons to put on some lipstick and venture out (or at least get out of bed).

so here's my list:

• there are still flowers all around us, and they like to be photographed. they preen and pose and don't complain when we turn them this way and that or look at them from behind.
  
• javier bardem and gerard butler. swoon!
• friends, near or far, all deeply adorable, all wonderful people who make the world a happier place, who are interested and interesting, who are quietly unequivocally there for you, offering sweet salvation and good gossip.
  
• our friday breakfast at the hawker center at jago close is something i always look forward to. roti prata and milk tea! yum!
  
• who needs money? window shopping and planning outfits for nonexistent occasions is really fun! you can pretend to be a model or a fabulously rich socialite at a trunk show. next time i'm bringing my camera so i can snap photos of my favorites. =)
• bacon ice cream - seriously! check out davidlebovitz.com for the recipe. the first step involves candying the bacon! let's all take a moment of hushed reverence to contemplate this epicurian wonder. i firmly believe what chicken soup does for the common cold, bacon ice cream will one day do for the pms-ing woman. i bet it'll go well with cheetos.
  
• there's a reason why they printed cookbooks. it's so you can close your eyes and randomly open a page if you can't decide what to cook for dinner. thank you nigella! thank you jamie! thank you ina!
  
• life will never be boring if you rearrange your furniture ever so often. i do it every time i'm premenstrual. little improvements count for a lot. and it's a great way to make sure corners don't gather dust.
  
• today i watched my son organize his dinosaurs in two sets: herbivores and carnivores. more proof that he got great genes from me.
  

i could think of more, but those are enough for me. it's possible that gerard butler, bacon ice cream, and cooking good food will not change the hard truth that plans frequently fail and dreams have been known to dim. but at the end of the day, when my hubby kisses me goodnight and holds me tightly, everything feels right with the world again.

food stall favorite

the yong tau fu stall at raffles city food court


i wish i could have this chilled stall in my kitchen
so i can just pick out the veggies i like
then have them cooked by someone else

the one thing i hate about cooking vegetables is the amount of preparation involved.
you know what i mean --- all the slicing and peeling and dicing.

spring fashion

the mango display window
at our neighborhood mall


see that pale silk dress on the left?
i've been dreaming about it since i saw it.
i love the perfectly blush hue paired with a black sash. i love the silky softness of the fabric.
i love the utterly feminine, ultra romantic style!

sadly, i have neither the funds nor the figure for that dream of a dress.

i mean, can you imagine how my humungous behind
will look under that silk?
ugh!

(ok, maybe i'm sourgraping. but just a little.)

long ago and far away

me in 2003

i keep coming back to that year, the year i loved my figure.
yes, this is my target, and i want to reach this by the end of this year, if not sooner.

how far am i from that weight? oh, about 30 lbs.
how much weight have i lost to date? 45 lbs.

but it varies, depending on whether i indulge myself for the week. sometimes i gain back a few, and then i lose them again when i get back to being a good girl.
i'm already comfortable with my current weight, but i know i'm still overweight.
(at least i'm not morbidly obese anymore.)

just a reality check.

short stuff

so i went out for a short walk in my shorts yesterday. *big grin*

it was the first time i ever dared to show my legs in a looooooong time.

i walked home with a skip in my step because no one stared in horror or disgust. not a single one.

hahahahahaha! (it takes so little to make me happy!)

another wake up call

Simply being overweight, but not obese, from an early age boosts the risk of premature death by a third -- as much as smoking up to 10 cigarettes a day, researchers in Sweden recently reported.

A BMI of 25-to-30 indicates being overweight, while above 30 means one is obese. The range of normal weight is 18.5-to-24.9. The study also found that being severely underweight -- a BMI of under 17 -- carried about the same risk of early death as being overweight or a light smoker.

So yes, you can also be too thin.


you may read the full article here

comfy shoes

these are old shoes, i've had them since vito was a baby and haven't worn them since. they're just not my style. i'm more of a wedge/loafers/stilletos kind of woman. they're the only ones that match my outfits anyway.

but since my plantar fasciitis started, i've had to compromise on style and go for comfort. these are my only pair of shoes that actually help. the crocs don't help, the flipflops don't either. and ballerina flats actually make it worse. while the stilletos ease up the pressure on my heels, i can't very well go brisk-walking in them, can i? :-S

anyway, the good news is i finally bought myself a pair of athletic shoes. gulp! yes, i raided the sale racks at the sporting good store and found myself a pair of reeboks. i have no idea what model or whatever it is, i just know it's for running. that's good enough for me. and it's a pretty shade of soft blue that will go well with my jeans. i'll just condition myself to think that i'm going to my workout so i don't get hives out of seeing myself in athletic wear when i go bring vito to school. you must think i'm crazy, don't you? oh, go ahead, say it.

feeling lighter

nope, not me, my hair! =)

it's now a bob. the heat has been getting to me, so i decided to have it cut above shoulder length. what do you think? manuel says it makes me look younger. =D i'm inclined to agree. but then again, i agree with every good thing said about me. hahahahaha!

oh my aching heel

my right heel has been aching quite a bit the past few weeks. it's becoming too painful to walk, which is a bummer since that's the best exercise i can ever get. and it's not like i have a choice not to, because otherwise, how will my son get to school? dang.

anyway, i researched my symptoms and found out that i have plantar fasciitis.

from webmd:

What is plantar fasciitis?

Plantar fasciitis (say "PLAN-ter fash-ee-EYE-tus") is the most common cause of heel pain. The plantar fascia is the flat band of tissue (ligament) that connects your heel bone to your toes. It supports the arch of your foot. If you strain your plantar fascia, it gets weak, swollen, and irritated (inflamed). Then your heel or the bottom of your foot hurts when you stand or walk.

Plantar fasciitis is common in middle-aged people. It also occurs in younger people who are on their feet a lot, like athletes or soldiers. It can happen in one foot or both feet.

What causes plantar fasciitis?

Plantar fasciitis is caused by straining the ligament that supports your arch. Repeated strain can cause tiny tears in the ligament. These can lead to pain and swelling. This is more likely to happen if:

• Your feet roll inward too much when you walk (excessive pronation). err, what?
  
• You have high arches or flat feet. - i do have high arches
  
• You walk, stand, or run for long periods of time, especially on hard surfaces. - as i said, unavoidable.
  
• You are overweight.- ouch, that too. although when i was 200 lbs i didn't get this. so why would i develop plantar fasciitis now that i'm 160 lbs? doesn't make sense.
  
• You wear shoes that don't fit well or are worn out. - all my shoes fit well, they're just not too comfortable. but i can go walking at the mall for hours in them and my feet don't hurt! it's only when i walk fast.
  
• You have tight Achilles tendons or calf muscles. - i have no idea if i do.
  

What are the symptoms?

Most people with plantar fasciitis have pain when they take their first steps after they get out of bed or sit for a long time. true You may have less stiffness and pain after you take a few steps, but your foot may hurt more as the day goes on. also true It may hurt the most when you climb stairs or after you stand for a long time.

How is it treated?

No single treatment works best for everyone with plantar fasciitis. But there are many things you can try to help your foot get better:

• Give your feet a rest. Cut back on activities that make your foot hurt. Try not to walk or run on hard surfaces. uh, yeah right. i live in the city not the countryside, and there's no way i can cut back on walking.
  
• To reduce pain and swelling, try putting ice on your heel. tried it, didn't work Or take an over-the-counter pain reliever like ibuprofen (such as Advil or Motrin), naproxen (such as Aleve), or aspirin.
• Do calf stretches and towel stretches several times a day, especially when you first get up in the morning. this one actually works
  
• Get a new pair of shoes. wow! i love this treatment! Pick shoes with good arch support and a cushioned sole. Or try heel cups or shoe inserts (orthotics). Use them in both shoes, even if only one foot hurts.