hyperacidity and heartburn

yesterday was absolutely the worst day i've ever experienced in my pregnancy. i don't know why i've been having hyperacidity when i'm eating constantly, but i am. and it's so extreme it renders me almost incapacitated. i can't think, i can't do anything, i just feel so miserable. i normally don't bother manuel when he's at work but yesterday i had to call him because i needed to cry out my pain.

i bought an antacid but it only made things worse. 10 minutes after taking it i was back to hugging the bowl. i don't know what else to do! i called my sister in australia and she said the only thing i can do is try to bear it. i still don't know how i was able to force myself to cook dinner and clean the house but i somehow did. i made sinigang with lots of veggies. sinigang is comfort food for me. by 8pm i was feeling better.

please let it be an isolated incident.

not fabulous

i want to start feeling happy about this pregnancy. i really do. but my mental state right now leaves much to be desired. i'm always depressed, and the queasiness that just won't go away threatens to overwhelm any positive emotion i'm feeling. i have a short fuse nowadays, i snap at everything and everyone. poor manuel! i didn't know my husband has it in him to be patient with me after all.

the other moms at vito's school all noticed that he lost a lot of weight. it's my fault. the past weeks have been so horrible that he often went to bed at 6pm without any dinner. because i didn't have the patience to make him take a nap in the afternoon. more often than not he falls asleep in front of the tv. i'm such a bad mommy. mea culpa. mea culpa. mea maxima culpa.

i'm trying to do better, i really am. and i do try my best to ignore the way i'm feeling but how can i do it when i seem to be hugging the bowl more and more frequently? for those of you who have never been pregnant, just imagine your worst seasickness experience and imagine it coming in waves every few minutes of every single day! that's how it feels. now couple that with extreme hunger pangs. nauseous and hungry at the same time? yep, that's the first trimester for you. it's definitely not a happy feeling.

this is so not me you know. i'm a very positive person. i know i am. pollyanna has nothing on me. i'm normally all sunshine and laughter and i'd be the first to tell you to focus on the positive and change whatever you don't like and move on. kinda hard to do in this case.

tell me this isn't happening

so i've been exercising, and eating healthy, in fact i went back to phase one for a couple of days.
so why did i just gain 5kg in 4 days?????

in what parallel universe does that even make any sense?!

and i'm sure it's not just my weighing scale because i do feel heavier! and my waistbands are a bit tighter today! is this just pms? because that's a serious case of bloating if there ever was one!

this is so not fair!

the two most feared words in the english language -

pool party!!!!!!

i was invited to a pool party next week. gulp. suddenly the pressure to lose 5kg wasn't enough.

now i have to look tolerable in a swimsuit. heaven help me!

suddenly i'm wishing my period would come.

*insert wail here*

the real test

for me, at least, wasn't the holidays.... it's being in cebu!

let's see how much self control i can muster during my week-long stay. =)


i'm already dreaming about ding qua qua's dimsum, the carrot cake and chocolate surprise at leona's, the binagoongang baboy at chikaan, the puto bumbong at cafe laguna, mussels & co. at gustavian, the siopao of white gold house, the sans rival of my tita aileen, my cousin's brazo de mercedes, and at the top of my list, mommy's paella, chicken pie, apple pie, pot roast, pasta, rosemary chicken.......... aaaargh!

not so good

it's been a very stressful week for me. vito's many attempts at wall art, his asthma, his vomiting, and now his bloody accident all combined to make this week very challenging. hosting a get together last friday when i had no help didn't make things easier either. and neither did having to paint the living room all by myself. i'm physically and emotionally tired.

i wish i could escape for a few hours and have coffee with any one of my friends. there are some people i miss the most in times like these. i miss marilu, who will always get me out of self-pity and give me renewed energy for what i need to do and will probably even volunteer for it. i miss mimi, who will never fail to make me laugh and who knows how to relate to my moods. i miss chelo, who brings sunshine wherever she goes and knows how to lift anyone's spirits. and i miss my sister, who knows what i think before i even say it.

so i console myself with food. yes, food. i haven't been gorging or overeating. but i have been stealing some of vito's brownies and biscuits. i wasn't prepared for this week, i didn't buy snacks for myself. so whenever i get really tired, i just open the fridge and dig into whatever i find. chocolates and brownies are within easy reach and give me temporary joy. hey, sometimes a girl's just gotta have some chocolates to deal with a bad day.

dang these hormones!

i never had such uncontrollable cravings while on this diet as i did the past week. what's with all these hormones? i'm supposed to be stronger than this!

first i gorge on fried chicken wings for a week. then saturday night i had a square inch of brownie and one palitaw. yesterday i ate danish cookies and two shots of baileys! aaaargh!

i can't wait for my period to be over so i start behaving normally again. i don't want to erase everything i've worked so hard for. i'm already back to my weight when i was in my first trimester. manuel loves the shape i'm in, and i'm getting a lot of compliments as well.

i cannot give up.
i cannot stop now.
must not stop.

help!!!!

this is getting to be too tough. i want to quit!

it's hard for me because i have to prepare separate meals for myself, and for my family. and i'm always hungry! so i'm always preparing food that don't really satisfy me at all. i know it's the sugar craving that's making this stage really tough. even the 1 kg that i lost doesn't seem to be worth it.

aaaargh! i should be stronger than this!