last thoughts before the homerun

it's amazing how, when you're pregnant, you hear all sorts of unsolicited advice from just about anyone. and i mean anyone --- from the hairdresser to the shakoy vendor!

i find it funny that everyone tries to guess if i'm carrying a boy or a girl and everyone seems to get it wrong! hahahah. they all think i'm carrying a girl, either because of the way i look, or the shape of my tummy. seriously, if i hadn't seen the proof in the sonogram 5 times, i'd probably start believing them. everyone seems to have a strong opinion about how to predict the baby's sex based on really weird criteria. ah well, there's only one sure way to find out anyway, and i'm going to next week. =)

i think if i actually listened to what everyone says to me, i'd have gone crazy a long time ago. rest more. exercise more. eat less. eat more. drink milk. don't drink milk. put your feet up. go walking. it's a good thing i only listen to what my OB says. that's what i pay her for anyway, right?

it would be great to know exactly how my baby's doing inside my belly. but i haven't had an ultrasound since i left singapore. i can feel the movements changing in nature (waves now instead of violent kicks). and i can actually feel the contours of the baby from the outside. do i worry about him being small or large? not really. vito was a really tiny neonate. he was only 6lbs, because he came out at 37 weeks. and i had a hard time making him gain weight because he developed gastro-esophageal reflux after a few months. yet, look at him now! so yes, i know i need not worry. big or small, this baby will be loved and that's that.

preparing oneself mentally for childbirth is so much harder than the other preparations. oh yes, we're about ready with all the baby stuff. i'm not so sure about the rest though. i still have my fears of not having the same energy level i had before (i'm 5 years older, after all), and having to divide my attention between the baby and his big brother so that neither one comes out feeling rejected.

maybe i'll start thinking about that next week. there's still work to be done, projects to finish, emails to answer. pray for me?

enough of this

i cannot pretend that it doesn't bother me. i cannot put on a smile and act like everything is wonderful when it's not. but i will promise you that i will stop complaining. i'm so tired of listening to my own whining.

yes i sometimes feel like i'm alone in this. sure my dear hubby is ever so supportive and helpful, and i know that if he could only siphon away all the nasty symptoms he would, just to give me a rest. every single night i pray that tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow i will have more energy. tomorrow i will find pleasure in the world around me. tomorrow the hormones won't pull me to the depths of misery.

i should be stronger than this. stronger than my hormones. stronger than circumstances. i have willed myself to triumph over trials much more challenging than this one. it's just pregnancy hormones after all!

from now on, i hereby resolve to:

• find good books to read that will lift up my spirits
• call a friend for a chat whenever i feel down again
• focus on one task at a time and try to keep my mind on it and not on my queasiness
• take out my camera and start looking at the beauty around me
• get excited about my coming trip to cebu - maybe i should focus on the lechon i will eat? =)
• just grin and bear it. i'm sure it won't last forever.

uhm

i haven't been feeling like myself lately. just the thought of exercise leaves me exhausted. i have no desire to go out of the house. the effort of dressing up is too much to even consider.

maybe i'm just hormonal. i don't know.

we went to a pool party yesterday and i spent more time reading in a corner. maybe it's just one of those phases.



p.s. the photo isn't mine, i grabbed this somewhere i don't even remember. my apologies to the photographer.

weight loss = happiness?

so i've been thinking a lot about this lately. will i really be happier when i achieve my goal weight?

it's easy to say i'll be happy when (i lose x amount of weight, get a new job, have a million dollars, get a new haircut, etc); but we all know happiness doesn't reside in superficial things.

the fact that i am already happy about my current state says a lot, i suppose. and it also confuses me. so i'm not trying to lose weight to be happy. i'm trying to lose weight so i'll look good in nice clothes (primarily), and not feel like an elephant lumbering among gazelles when i walk around this country of thin people.

do i like my current size? actually i do. i can already fit into local brands, i can wear some stuff i've never been able to wear before, and i feel lighter, and so much healthier. am i still overweight? you bet i am. 30 lbs over my ideal weight, in fact. so yes, i still need to exert more effort. much as i love to pretend that i can now eat ice cream and cake, i know that i can't, and i musn't.

i still have a long way to go. i hope i still have the willpower.

take heart

when you feel that your ship is sinking,

take heart

if you live within the circle of God's will,

then you will always have God's protection.

you have nothing to fear

your ship might indeed sink,

but you will not drown

- from last sunday's sermon.

there are times when i feel so thankful i went to church

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i marvel at how the bible continues to be relevant