not so little white lie

we were filling out our application form for hospitalization insurance last week, and of course we came to the box that asks for my weight.

i lied.

i put in a figure that was 5 kg less than my current weight. so now i'm pressured to reach that fictional figure in two weeks' time, when we'll have to go for a medical screening.

hahahahah! i knew it was going to bite me in the *ss!

dirty little secret

i think i'm becoming bulimic

i think i know my problem...

i have reverse anorexia. anorexics typically see themselves as fatter than they actually are. in my case, even though i am seriously obese, the image that i have of myself in my head is that of a normal person. yes, even when i look in the mirror. i'm fat, and i know i'm fat. but if you ask me to draw a picture of myself, i would draw a thin person. well not super thin like kate moss, but me in my ideal weight.

this image gets shaken whenever i see a photo of myself. that's why photoshop is my best friend.

this erroneous self-image is partly what prevented me from acknowledging my weight problem. even as the pounds kept piling on, my self-image remained skinny and allowed me to live comfortably in denial of the problem creeping up all around me.

the dsm (diagnostic and statistical manual for mental disorders) doesn't have a category for cases like mine. the closest thing would be body dysmorphic disorder, and that's what people who've had 100+ plastic surgeries have. did you see that girl who wants to look like barbie? yep, she has bdd.

but maybe i do have it in some degree. otherwise i wouldn't see myself as a sultry siren when in fact i'm closer to a whale.