crazy mind set

maybe i should stop listening to people who tell me how much weight i lost. it seems that every time i hear that, or every time i see how some of my new clothes have gotten looser, i start eating bad carbs again. you know how it is, you start to be complacent and before you know it, you're on a yo-yo again. i don't want that to happen.

while i do love the size i'm in right now (hey, i can fit into local xl sizes, and that's a huge deal for me because xl here is size 10), i do need to lose quite a bit more weight. i initially set out to be a size 10 and i succeeded. but that's not my ideal size, i should be 6 or 8. well, 6 on top and 8 around the hips (i got the alixes' wide hips). so i shouldn't be taking it easy, not one bit.

just a reminder to myself.

aaaargh!

kare-kare + rice + apple pie + chocolate mousse + pandan cake + donuts = 5 lbs weight gain

i could kick myself

the real test

for me, at least, wasn't the holidays.... it's being in cebu!

let's see how much self control i can muster during my week-long stay. =)


i'm already dreaming about ding qua qua's dimsum, the carrot cake and chocolate surprise at leona's, the binagoongang baboy at chikaan, the puto bumbong at cafe laguna, mussels & co. at gustavian, the siopao of white gold house, the sans rival of my tita aileen, my cousin's brazo de mercedes, and at the top of my list, mommy's paella, chicken pie, apple pie, pot roast, pasta, rosemary chicken.......... aaaargh!

the middle part

i think about all the crappy and hard things I have been through, and I wonder what good can come of these experiences. on a higher spiritual level, i know that everything we experience, good and bad is supposed to be learning lessons that bring us to a higher level of growth and advancement. at the time though, it is really hard to see the gain because you are so focused on the pain. but now that i have lived a good three decades heading into my fourth, i know that everything i have gone through has brought me to a better place.

i've read tons and TONS of self help books, which should come as no surprise, and the one thing i notice that is common with most of these books is that when "patients" talk about their experiences, they talk about how they were in the beginning of their healing (ie. I'm addicted to alcohol and bon bons, and then what their life is like after the healing ie "wow, dr. (insert famous author name) program really helped me. I am now sober, and a healthy weight.") the thing that almost none of the books talk about is all the pain in the middle of the healing. i hope to share some of the middle parts of my healing here.

those of you who have been through some major healing like surviving a major disease, the loss of a loved one, etc know that the hard part is actually the middle part. the part where you cry, get angry, rip off the bandages, and basically hurt. in order to heal the wounds and get to well being, you have to go through and feel the pain.

it's not easy beating any addiction, be it alcohol, sex, smoking, shopping, or food. there will be more downs than ups. i hope that by sharing my experiences in this blog, i can inspire other people to break their bad habits too. because if i can do it, so can you.

just thoughts

please forgive the self-congratulatory tone on my recent posts.

it's just that i've been working so hard for this and i can't help but be happy with my progress.

there are days when i feel like quitting. it's too hard! i miss eating pasta! and crepes! and all-butter cranberry cookies from marks and spencer! it's particularly difficult when my little boy eats all of those and i have to feed him. last night he ate a chocolate danish, and he asked me to pour condensed milk on top of it. but when he found out how sticky it was, he didn't want to touch it, so he asked me to feed him. that was torture! the danish was in my hands and i could smell all its buttery and chocolatey yumminess. i wanted to cry.

goodness knows where i get my self control. whatever it is that i'm doing, it's going against my nature. if i didn't have all of you to be accountable to, i'd have given up a long time ago.