the middle part

i think about all the crappy and hard things I have been through, and I wonder what good can come of these experiences. on a higher spiritual level, i know that everything we experience, good and bad is supposed to be learning lessons that bring us to a higher level of growth and advancement. at the time though, it is really hard to see the gain because you are so focused on the pain. but now that i have lived a good three decades heading into my fourth, i know that everything i have gone through has brought me to a better place.

i've read tons and TONS of self help books, which should come as no surprise, and the one thing i notice that is common with most of these books is that when "patients" talk about their experiences, they talk about how they were in the beginning of their healing (ie. I'm addicted to alcohol and bon bons, and then what their life is like after the healing ie "wow, dr. (insert famous author name) program really helped me. I am now sober, and a healthy weight.") the thing that almost none of the books talk about is all the pain in the middle of the healing. i hope to share some of the middle parts of my healing here.

those of you who have been through some major healing like surviving a major disease, the loss of a loved one, etc know that the hard part is actually the middle part. the part where you cry, get angry, rip off the bandages, and basically hurt. in order to heal the wounds and get to well being, you have to go through and feel the pain.

it's not easy beating any addiction, be it alcohol, sex, smoking, shopping, or food. there will be more downs than ups. i hope that by sharing my experiences in this blog, i can inspire other people to break their bad habits too. because if i can do it, so can you.

fourth time's the charm?

i've been struggling with weight all my life (well, at least since puberty hit). it's been up. it's been down. it's been all around.

when i was in grade 5, i weighed 125 lbs. i was only an inch or two shorter than my adult height because puberty came early for me. my dad's youngest sister put me on a diet when we visited cebu for the summer. i lost 30 lbs in two months and came back to school looking like most of my classmates -- slim and tall! woohoo! all of a sudden i was popular with the boys.

in high school i was still relatively slim, but i started gaining weight again, and by the time i was in first year college, i weighed 135 lbs on my 5'3" frame. (gosh, if i weighed like that now, i'd be wearing skinny jeans!) and i felt fat. i underwent reconstructive surgery on my jaw and was fed thru a naso-gastric tube for two months. they regulated my caloric intake so that i was only taking 900 calories a day. the weight i lost! none of my classmates recognized me when i went back to school! my waistline was back to 25! (i have a big frame, the last time my waisline was 24 or under was in grade school!)

i gained weight slowly but steadily through the years, and by the time i was 25, i had reached 150 lbs. 5 years later i was 50 lbs heavier. i overheard someone say, "have you seen pat? she looks like a barrel!" my life went really crazy at that point and i underwent a major makeover of everything i could possibly make over, including my body. i hit the gym every day for 3 hours, worked out like i was training for the olympics, and finally tried out the atkins diet. in 8 months i was back to 130 lbs and i felt finally in control.

this is the fourth time i'm doing this, and i hope i never have to do it again. i know yo-yo dieting is actually more dangerous than staying moderately fat because it taxes the heart. so i do hope fourth time's the charm. i intend to stick to this no matter what. and you have permission to boing me on the head if i allow myself to get fat again.

no way!

i gained back 2 kilos in one week! aaaaaargh!

mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!!!!

been pigging out on deep-fried chicken wings for the last few days. i hate it when i'm pmsing and i can't control my cravings! but darn, those chicken wings (from old chang kee) really tasted good!

i think i'll go back to phase one for a week.

living large in a small country

one of the reasons why i'm so pressured to lose weight is that most singaporeans are thin. (maybe it's because they walk a lot. hehe) this is a nation of health-conscious people, where overweight kids are restricted from eating during recess and instead are made to run around the campus grounds. they are subjected to regular assessments by the national health board to monitor their weight.

i tell ya, those with obese children should just move to singapore.

it's not easy being fat in a country like this. not only do you look ginormous compared to everyone else, you also can't find clothes to wear!

local sizes are like this: xs =0, s=2, m=4-6, l=8, xl=10. seriously!!!

can you imagine what clothes shopping can do to your self-esteem? after a few years, i've learned to stay clear of local brands and stick to the "friendlier" brands --- marks & spencer, monsoon, moonstone, dorothy perkins. unfortunately, they're not very trendy. which is ok really, as it's easy to mix and match classic pieces.

someday, i'll be able to wear the trendier brands. someday i won't stick out like a gargantuan elephant walking among thin reeds. =)

Lord, help me

i'm craving for crunchy deep-fried chicken wings!!!!

i think i'm pmsing! waaaaaah!

nothing to wear

i've reached that point now. none of my trousers and jeans will stay on anymore. they're all like 5-6 inches too big for me. that's way beyond the point where you can just tighten them with a belt. believe me, i tried, and the waistband bunches up and there are so many folds all around that they just look lousy.

when i started on this diet, a size 16 (US) was too tight for me. now i'm a size 12 (US).

it's a good thing i kept some of my skirts from when manuel and i were dating. they're the only ones i can wear now! sadly, not all of my blouses go well with skirts. and i'm still halfway toward my goal weight, so i can't buy new pants just yet.

any suggestions?

pilates

i love pilates!

next to walking, this is my favorite form of exercise. i love the controlled movements and how it increases flexibility as it also creates muscular strength and tone without increasing the size of the muscle. (i certainly don't want bigger muscles! everything else on my body is already big!)

i alternate between two pilates videos - winsor pilates and pilates after pregnancy. the former is more demanding, so i do it on days when i'm not able to walk. the other one focuses more on the tummy area, so i like that too. neither is easy, some of the exercise are very challenging (i'm getting better at the full teaser now, but rolling like a ball i still painful to my lower back.)

if i can only get my little boy to stop trying to "help" me when i'm exercising, i can probably enjoy this more. =)

in control

i know how to control my cravings now. this week has been full of celebrations, what with my birthday and my hubby's just a few days apart. i didn't deprive myself of the usual favorites, and yet i didn't gain any weight. the secret? i just took a few bites of all that i wanted to eat. (except for the cheesecake, which i did finish. )

this is a major step for me because previously i was never able to stop at a few bites. i always had to finish a plateful of whatever it was i was eating. now i just take a few nibbles, and stop.

it feels really great to finally be in control of my cravings.

was it worth it?

you bet!

did i feel guilty after eating that cheesecake? of course!

did i do something about it?

yes i did.

would i do it again?

only on rare occasions. =) the guilt is still eating me up.

no-fail

i love food courts in singapore. they're clean, spacious, and you're spoilt for choice. sometimes the sheer number of food choices leaves me paralyzed. now that i'm on this diet and more than half of the food offered is forbidden to me, i have formed some favorites so i don't get overwhelmed anymore.

yong tau fu -- it sounds exotic, doesn't it? this is a no-fail order. you choose the vegetables, tofu, meat, and other things you want to include in it (crabmeat, mushrooms, chicken, fishballs....), then you hand over your bowl to the attendants to be cooked the way you prefer -clear soup, with noodles, with curry, with laksa. the clear soup is glorious! it's full of flavor (but no msg). and they never overcook the veggies. plus, they have like 10 different varieties of tofu you can choose from.

i never get tired of this dish because actually you can have a different combination each time you order it. so it's always new. and always satisfying.

and so not fattening.

whoever invented this dish must have had a psychic link to dr. agatston.

birthday wish

my 37th birthday is tomorrow. i don't have any special plans. it's just another birthday. there'll be no introspecting here, no reflections on the past year or anything like that. i'm just happy that my waistline is not the same as my age anymore. =P

if i had one wish for my birthday, i'll wish that i can eat a multi-layer white chocolate cake with vanilla custard and chocolate ganache filling.

and not get fat.

can i at least eat one slice? *grin*

2 more kilos

i lost 2 more kilograms in two weeks. =)

to celebrate, my dear hubby took me shopping last saturday and bought me 3 new tops. 2 from promod, one from mango. (it might have been an early birthday gift too, i suppose.)

have i ever talked about promod? it's a lovely french clothing line with fab designer-inspired ready- to-wear lines. i've always liked their designs but never fit into any of them. well now i do. i had fun trying out different outfits. some of them were way beyond my budget but it felt good to know that they fit. lol.

=D

what should i do?

here's another challenge - what do i do when i get invited to a party at someone's house?

i've been to a couple of gatherings where the host prepares a lot of food and none of them are on my acceptable foods list. you know the usual fare - pasta, rice, sweets, breaded everything.

i don't want to insult the host by not eating, and i'm not sure if it's even good etiquette to bring my own food to a party.

yesterday my sister-in-law and her husband came by and brought lunch. they told us not to prepare anything. i made a salad nonetheless, which was a really good thing because she brought, --- you guessed it --- pasta, rice, shrimps cooked in a sweet sauce, (very little) crackling pork belly, and tiramisu. i mean seriously, what was i supposed to eat? if not for the cobb salad i made, i would have been breaking my diet again.

anyway, i've received a few invitations for the coming weeks, and i expect the food choices will be no different. some of them know i'm on a diet, but fail to understand that i cannot eat starch and sugar EVER. (my SIL even asked me yesterday if pasta and rice were still off my list. hmmm. how to explain? how to explain? )

so should i just decline the invites? or show up and bring my own food?

yes i did

i ate one of the corn muffins i baked today. i just had to taste it because it was the first time i made some and i wanted to see if it really tasted like the ones from kenny rogers roasters.

but i didn't have to finish a whole muffin, i know. i could have just taken a bite, but i didn't. i ate a whole muffin, and i really enjoyed the taste.

so i punished myself afterwards. i did the firm maximum cardio workout with step aerobics and weights. i pushed myself hard and made sure i burned it all off. for dinner i had a tuna salad with lots of greens. i promise to do pilates before i sleep. or do some other kind of fat burning exercise.

aaaargh! there are just days when i can't help it.

on waist management

dr. oz says that your waist circumference should be half of your height (or less).

if that's the case, then i need to lose 4 more inches.

hmmm. give me another month. =D

just thoughts

please forgive the self-congratulatory tone on my recent posts.

it's just that i've been working so hard for this and i can't help but be happy with my progress.

there are days when i feel like quitting. it's too hard! i miss eating pasta! and crepes! and all-butter cranberry cookies from marks and spencer! it's particularly difficult when my little boy eats all of those and i have to feed him. last night he ate a chocolate danish, and he asked me to pour condensed milk on top of it. but when he found out how sticky it was, he didn't want to touch it, so he asked me to feed him. that was torture! the danish was in my hands and i could smell all its buttery and chocolatey yumminess. i wanted to cry.

goodness knows where i get my self control. whatever it is that i'm doing, it's going against my nature. if i didn't have all of you to be accountable to, i'd have given up a long time ago.

before and after

here's what 20 lbs less looks like on me.

the picture on the left was
taken toward the end of july. i was so obese!

the one on the right was taken today. i'm still fat, and i still have a lot of weight to lose. but i know i'm looking better. and i know i'm going to get back the figure i used to have pre-pregnancy.

(oh, and that's the top i bought at mango to reward myself for the 20 lbs. =) it's in large. not xl. not xxxl. not that mango carries xxxl. or that i used to be able to shop at mango at all. lol. )

bags don't make you feel fat

how else can you explain why women would gladly spend thousands on a bag?

and there are so many fabulous choices out there. i'm loving the new crocodile collection of nancy gonzalez! but what i'm really lusting after is ferragamo's shiny gancio luchetto satchel. *drooling*

i know i can never have any of these, but i still love looking at them, and trying to picture just how NOT FAT i will feel when i use one. unlike say, a pair of skinny jeans.

maybe that's why i own more bags than jeans. lol

=)

adventures in eating out

when you're on any diet, eating out can be a challenge. but it's particularly tricky if you're on the south beach diet (or any low-carb diet) AND you live in singapore. noodles and rice abound! all our favorite local dishes have carbs in them. think nasi lemak, mee goreng, fried hokkien prawn mee, mah chang, or even "carrot" cake. sometimes i wonder why the people here are so slim when all the local dishes are full of starch, sugar, and oil. maybe they only eat once a day? :P

however, i'm still glad to discover that a lot of family restaurants and diners do have low carb choices. even the restaurant at ikea! kenny rogers roasters is also a surprise -- they don't smother the chicken in gravy! in fact, there's no gravy at all! (trust them to pander to the health conscious singaporeans.) pepper lunch is also great, i just give the rice to the hubby, and eat the meat and veggies.

i still wish there was a restaurant here that serves south beach diet meals, like tinderbox in cebu does. but then again, i do enjoy the adventure of the hunt.

=)

fabulous

i changed the site theme to reflect the mood i'm in.

and i'm feeling fabulous!

almost halfway through the goal i set for myself, and i'm seeing really obvious differences in the way i look, and the way my clothes fit. my friends here have all noticed how much i slimmed down, and their comments are very encouraging.

at our last gathering, i wore a t-shirt and a denim skirt (pre-pregnancy but with a lot of stretch). everyone told me how much younger and slimmer i looked! naturally i basked in the praise! (i mean, what else is there to do? *wink*)

i'm already fantasizing about all the clothes i'm going to buy in december!

=)

20 lbs lost, 30 more to go

i feel so great today, even if it's the first day of my period. i just crossed the 20 lb mark!

all my efforts seem to be paying off. even when i was pms-ing, and had all these cravings, i never once cheated, even if i salivated over the peaches & cream icebox cake that i made for a gathering of friends. it took every ounce of my willpower (plus everyone else's in the building) to stop me from even tasting what i made. i'm so proud of myself!

today i celebrated by buying myself a shirt from mango. in large. =)

will post a picture of myself wearing it.